guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
