I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
