trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
