You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
