How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
