This is not my ceiling
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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