He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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