i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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