I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize