i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize