We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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