Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
