I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You ruined the universe
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
