Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
