In America we eat man semen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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