Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
