ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
