The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize