I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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