Sry I called you an 8
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
