Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
