the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
