Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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