i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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