You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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