I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
