You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
