Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
