You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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