sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
