Im at strip club and am horny
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So many bounce houses so little time
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
