sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
