I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
