You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
