My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
