i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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