Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
