I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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