How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
