K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
