The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
