??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
