doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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