we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
