He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
