He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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