i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
