I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
