he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
