No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
