idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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