Nicole vs. Life
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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