My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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