we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
