i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
