the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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