Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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