I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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