her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
